Who am I...... the identy crisis.

So I don't blog because I don't have a camera or cute experiences to share.  But I realized its been awhile.... okay over a year.  So I am going to let you get to know me, like my work knows me.  At work, I can't talk about my real life.  I refer to all of you as friends in conversations, and change minor details constantly.  It is difficult because sometimes out side of work I find myself switching minor details!  So yes I have a chronic lying problem.  Every one at work knows that I am one of the few techs who follows this rules strictly, so they know I am making all this up, but here are a few things you probably don't know about me.....

1)  I am 81 years old, and my birthday is April 1st.  I have bilateral hip replacements that I lovingly refer to as "weeble" and "wobble"..... and yes that's why I don't fall down.

2) I am in the witness protection program, and was previously known as "Beulah".  I was an amazing arsonists, but agreed to testify against a bigger criminal in exchange for protection.  They gave me employment at the hospital so they could keep an eye on me.

3) I make up memories all the time, like my first car ride, or how I baby sat my coworker when she was little. (she is over 60, and plays along with this story very well).  I frequently say things like "I remember when I was 49" or "You'll understand when your older".  I also say that I have a plastic surgery addiction and that is why I look so young.

4) I weigh 800 pounds, and wear 8 layers of spandex while at work, and my second job is tight rope walker in a circus that I own.  All my coworkers then pick what parts they are in the circus, but eventually quit because of my tough demands.  I mean if you are going to be a lion tamer, you have to sometimes loose an arm or leg, so its more cool when you don't.

5)  My gender is unknown.  I have been accidentally referred to as a "he" one to many times.  So people ask me if I have figured it out yet, and I tell them no. 

6) If some one asks "Can I ask you a question", I tell them "You can, but the answer is always no". I have deemed this an important rule of the unit, and so if I accidentally say yes, people are shocked.

7) When I control doors, I often in a very sweet voice will say "wait time 28 minutes", but I always open the doors immediately. 

8) I advocate for a no laughing or smiling rule on the unit.  I get teased because I am told if that ever became a rule, I would be out of a job.



Then there are the simple facts about me that are true, and I just can't hide.

1) My coworkers tease me because I once ate a whole package of peeps during report.  Every one knows that I have a serious sugar addiction, and that the 12 step program didn't work.

2) My mom is famous.  At work it is uncool to decorate your own locker.  You know your "in" when some one posts something on your locker.  So on my locker a few of my coworkers wrote "Stacey's mom has got it going on". (based off a song)  And then posted two pictures of some very old wrinkled ladies with out teeth.  I now tease that because they put two pictures up, I must come from a polygamist family.

3) It can be painful to stand on my right foot, and no one can know this.  So when I have to stand in line, I frequently turn my heels out, put my toes facing each other, and then flip the soles of my feet behind me so that I am standing on the sides of my feet.  Turns out not every one can do this, and it grosses some people out because it looks like my ankles are broke.

4) I tend to talk like a flight attendants or sales person while making announcements for the unit. "Is your stomach growling, was lunch to long ago?  Well lucky you, we are now serving dinner in the dinning room, come and get it before I eat it!"

5) I once drew a picture on the white board for class of "the cat in the hat".  It was very well liked and I was not allowed to erase it for a couple weeks.  So I now lie that I can't draw, and when I do art projects, I sign my coworkers names on them.

6)  I was nick named "ferocious".  It was done in sarcasm because I am not mean, but I think there is a lot of truth to it.

7)  I love the song "I want a hippopotamus for Christmas", and yes sometimes I did create a "choir" of people to help me sing it during the Christmas season.  One of my coworkers threatened to hide the CD, but I know she really liked it!



The funny part about this all is, that I was once talking to a coworker who was new.  I was explaining to him how you can train a rabbit to come when called, and be house trained and all these other cool things.  Yup.  He didn't believe me, and told me he wasn't that dumb.  So even if I try to tell the truth, no one believes me.  I guess I am a mystery!